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Wednesday, Dec. 20, 2006
I haven't been sleeping since I got back from uni.

Ok so that's been two nights, but looking like a herion addict isn't really a look that suits me.
It's so foggy I can only see white outside my window. That's mad.
I think I'm stressed out and dissatisfied. This is probably the first time I can't really be bothered with christmas and all it's stress. Not even at the prospect of coming home and being with the family rather than sitting in some god forsaken room living day in day out, with a huge essay and Scrubs for company.
The solitude that I was never able to stand, started suiting me. I slept ALL the time.
And now I'm not sleeping.
I'm trying to shut myself off a little. Even from the friends I used to count the days until I could see again, I just can't seem to be bothered with it. And especially from a certain 'platonic friend' who really isn't. I never used to think I could be that girl. But it turns out I can, effortlessly, only to feel the obligatory female-anxiety the morning after. I felt...almost embarassed. And that's a fairly new thing for me. Embarassed at crossing certain lines with someone I'm so much closer to than anyone else I've ever been so physically intimate with. And that's scary I guess. And naturally, because I don't do things like normal people, somehow this time it didn't even have the pretence of meaning anything.
But it probably did more than I'd like to admit.
So I'm pulling away, I'm getting my control back before things get out of hand.
I wish I wasn't such a girl.

- | damn girl

did you miss?