I am going to tell you about my family. The reason why there are currently damp spots on my pillow, the reason why I am hiding under my duvet listening to Staind. The reason why I broke into my emergency chocolate supply. My family are nothing out of the ordinary I suppose. Who happily married parents, not alcoholics or drug addicts, they don�t beat each other up, and they�re both fairly happy and normal-seeming. My sisters are what you expect of sisters aged 10 and 18.
My mother is amazingly oversensitive. She will twist anything I say as some sort of personal attack on her. Then she will scream and sulk and cry about it. She is the reason why oversensitivity is top of my list of characteristics I can�t stand. Also, I can never, ever do anything right. There�s always something wrong, some reason to nag me. To moan and complain and lecture me, leaving me feeling like nothing. And so often �too often, I feel like nothing.
Three months ago, she almost died. That was the most horrible experience I have ever been through in my life, and I am only just getting over it, despite the scars its left on me. Yet, she insists on permanently reminding me.
My father likes to pretend he trusts me. He has little respect for me, and always manages to insult my friends as well. He hates my taste in music. He has little sympathy for anyone. When he argues with my mum, he always apologises, whether or not he�s in the wrong. I�ve never once known my mum to apologise, which bothers me. She can never admit or accept she�s wrong.
I cannot bear to be in a room alone with them. My dad accuses me of disowning them, being a loner, not talking to them enough�neither of them realise it is because they rarely can just �talk� to me. It leads to nagging, moaning, complaining�so why would I volunteer that on myself? It would be a suicide mission! So yes, I lock myself away in my world; absorb myself in music, and my �other family.� Although it seems my friends are distant. So I feel alone. Really alone.
My mum in particular has a problem with me talking/spending time with my friends. She sees it as wasting time and money. She objects to how I can spend hours on the phone, and always brings up the fact that I talk so much to my friends and so little to my family.
My older sister is often just as bad. Both of them in fact. The nag and moan and complain at me�they don�t understand why I feel the need to talk to my friends so much, etc. I get no sympathy from anyone. It�s like I don�t belong �like I�m different somehow.
I can never do anything right! One mistake and I will never hear the end of it! Anything that I DO well is usually ignored or greeted with a �That�s nice�� I can never do anything right so why do I bother? Why even try?
I don�t like my dad when he�s drunk. He becomes everything but a father. I hate how he lacks strength of character and self control. I hate how he acts like he knows everything. I hate how he thinks I�m just like him. That I�m weak and have no self motivation �that I need to be pushed and forced to do everything. I hate that he thinks I�m lazy. I hate that he thinks so little of me...and then thinks I�m brighter than my sisters �just lazier. I hate how he upsets my older sister whenever we are forced to spend extended amounts of time together.
�I need to justify the reasons for the way I�m living/ But I guess I can�t, �cause I don�t feel like I deserve it�
